why this happen to me>

nite of 30th Dec 2009

Ever askg why I did my LI at Bintulu.. its not exactly want run away from family matter..likewise she planned to. I just want a chance to spy sista activity in Btu..l Though i got de answer i want,everyday just like pretending to be gud sista. Im not betraying telling mother abt u're going out wthout bringing me but its the exact thgs u done to me. y shall i lied abt it? its all ur decision to reveal after being asked the question!

chances always there but dependable on the timing. when time not right,u got the chance, things wont worked out. Just like if u make plan,but certain thgs occur make plan cnt worked,u cant do anythg either except u got alternatives for it.

i hate myself!!!

30th Dec 2009

this moment, i hate myself for being so busybody.. why so care about others business? cant just ignore who with who, what they done, where they've been and how they hooked up tghr?! I cant! coz thru bzbody i knw the truth, the reality, the exact answer im searching to. This just coz they will not telling u directly and not admit it till end except being revealed. But who gonna tell me that? No one! I have to figure myself. thats why I ought to be busybody keeping ppl business in my to-do list. I always trying prevent myself to do so..but things not going so smoothly.

all i know just doing little things behind to find out what exactly happen.i don want to but hw they gonna open their mouth telling me? nope..they never.

nEW yEAR 2010

De date of 31st Dec,2009 is the last day of Dec which means the arrival of new year of 2010.

Last resolution had to be revealed on the New Year Eve. There always a ritual in my family in "fined" those resolution that did not achieved for the past year(2009). I would say I could be fined the most $$ as refresh back about 2/3 resolution is not able to achieved. this ritual is rather boring as read in a article mentioning that ppl will forget he resolutions they had make after three days. so probably most ppl doesnt rmbr at all what they had wrote for the new year.

New year, new resolution, new person, new hope, new cloth (to s/one wants everything new), new life (revive life), and new problems. New year opens up anthr problems that we had bringing over the past years where involved money/finance matter. Ppl always shortage of money.. Money never enough and never able satisfy everything we need in life. Money hard to find but money is the utmost important thgs that cant be replaced for a bttr life. Only money can buy stuff we want except happiness which we get it by our own.

New year not creating new ppl as ppl stay the same over the years though it is a new year. To ask ppl to change is like asking the cow to bark. Its very hard as living in the comfort zone,who else want to change to better in new year?! probably just little percentage.

Temporary moment

29th Dec,2009

Once I got this iPhone 3Gs,I indeed feel happy as its got camera,better capacity and not "made in China" than what I have before (N98). bt that also a gift from dad. Then,temporary feeling appeared..its like to be I may loose the iPhone as not staying with me forever. probably coz history at the past taught how easy ppl change in one second and plan to take back their belongings. And maybe i don't deserve such "gift" afterall.

Secondly,"owning" the laptop.. I would say,I deserve it as I paid for the reformat fees as cost rm50 (too expensive) for me..But, I do feel uncomfortable as the owner of this Acer laptop is Dad and most thgs inside is his. I doubting he might askg me to do things on his behalf as thgs inside the laptop. Well,i think as he always have "careful" secret secretary, the info must be have backup..i shall nt worried too much of it.

Thirdly,master schl fees. Its all paid by mum. Its temporary also as I had to repay bec when I work later on. But how to make it happen while my guts to work stil low with my bad temper? Gosh..this part is hard. Tally for this Msc HRD is rm 17,000. Much $$... to keep and pay back. So,mum is great after all though i always "argue" with her in most things.

Lastly,temporary relationship. no one dare to guarantee the rltnshp will ever change over time even though you had tight bond in it. I realize that when things come fast to you,it may signalize u may lose it fast too. So,in that moment,grab what you think the most powerful weapon to fight for any circumstances.

I beg all THESE temporary moment will grant me a fully control one day! gOD BLESS!

y always like that?

16th Dec

I don knw why.. how "they" can back-up such action and decision in allowed some "people" to behave as they want it to be?? does that mean they lose the important key to control or afraid for bad result? always happen to be like that as im the last person to know what that "people" are trying to do and these "they" already knew the plan and give green light of it? really don know..why. Im not that hard..just dissaprove..maybe like mum. disagree most things that may offered to danger..unwilling to let off..but that doesnt mean no respect to me?! i in doubt do I still make sense to speak up or not..

maybe coz that "people' bf" is someone I knew (ex-MUET's teacher son),I dissprove. bt truth is i dislike him.. shld knw what is good for her and not back up for her in everythg she do/did. if knwg she unable to manage herself either,y keep bothering? I knw "ppl" say im boring,not suporting like "them". so most of things didnt let me know or share evry little single secret with me..only took me as slave,working as servant for "them"..sometime its real nice as i ought to do so.. but if ask me to keep my mouth mute, ear deaf and eyes blind,I cant make it.. the intention always thr.I always have feeling to know.curiosity,maybe.

"she" never let me knw about her secret - hiding man to be in life..ignorance not best answer. bt i knw "she" will never share with me..neither success or not. talking phone oftenly nad nearly every single day got once..so im doubting they had connected. Ya..I know in this case,nor any siblings willing to share about personal matter,especially love.. keeping secretly until finally revealed always be their ways of covering. afraid of rejection,maybe..

as once rejected,u nvr had second chance to own it bec. refers bec to freedom post last time,i've been thinking too does that means to me also? yes,sometime when i got to but im not so lucky.. meeting friends not easy.. what more to say inviting fren to come visiting? Sibu plan never "download" me.. I always no opportunity to do so. Alreay entering three years and more I didnt back to my hometown,Sibu.. nevertheless to say meeting old frens. though the heart are beating for the chance..but it always make a roundabout..years by years..

guess the chance only when sista's wedding dinner next year.. Oct 2010. Gosh.. anthr a year to stay with regrets. but no choice.cnt choose they way we want as sort predestined. Wish me luck,all the time.

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what freedom means to you?

3rd Dec 2009

young and energetic always need freedom in their life or everyday action. but what it cost to "buy" the freedom if they still tied under family ties?? before freedom can interrupt, think about the result, the after getting the freedom.. is that really the outcome u want to obtain after buying the freedom ticket? to someone maybe yes although the freedom is awhile but somewhat predicted to be worthy..

i read a story about a 17 years old youngster that really hunger for a freedom from her/his parents and of course a little "break" from others that been described not so understanding rather than friends. even have the thinking to kill themselves for not giving them a little freedom that they need..and purpose is making them regret for not so open in giving freedom to do anything they want. single-minded like that is so hurtful for the parents that love them so much though not really giving the freedom they want as to them their child still small,don't want expose to unwanted incident. Afraid of their safety..but how much the children really understand? none!

respect no longer exist since they did not obtain the freedom that they think deserved from their parents. So in most of matter, they planned themselves first before telling them their plan on what had planned. in this case,it clearly shows that they not really put the words of parents at first before making decision and this crashed the feelings of belonging as part of the family. nonetheless, they might secretly "shout" it out with little clue and let them to make guess. but all resulted to be "no good". as they become the last person to know.

Is having boyfren at early age of schooling child is good? Not really though had article before indicate a bf can help you in studies and lend a hand in study if they under same level. But to me,3rd party had bad influence to them. Aside from what they perceived,bf could make their attitude changed,always defend upon them and trust fully to their bf. Actually,as they keep "hang" with their bf,slowly parents will not be the biggest power in influencing their children in whatever action.Appeared frequently in newspaper about,girl being raped by bf. This is what most parents about their tennage girl having bf which not known to the parents. Or case of girl having sex with their bf. They always trying new things at that certain age. So as under pursued by their bf,they probably could just promised. Result,its under minor rape case as the girl underage. The pity is the parents. So,what the freedom of having boyfriend at young age since u don't know how to protect yourselves??

Though if boy given the freedom,think the first they will do is checking into porno website. the young blood always feel "whoah,the outside web world could be interesting".. they didnt think before act. this land they to test negatively and huge impact to them and families.

freedom means "free" like a bird to some people. but not freely as a murder..free to kill and land in prison. Thats the trouble of freedom. u may feel free but if missed the steps,u may land in trouble. limited freedom will teach you to be better person. Put urself under certain line and not over-crossed the line of freedom when feels that u may land in trouble and give impact to others.

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