am i bad?

i feel i do aftr i didnt let my boss know that day got "special draw'(for those got play numbers bet). well,my intention is prevent myboss buying more numbers. but then luckily,i believe myboss realised "this should be that,must be something". aftr that sempat buying lo. at nite time,upon checkg, myboss number out. included in 1-3 seat above. then i can get my salary..though i tot no more. but bcz last9 winning,myboss give anthr strike,buying more.. haih.. sien..

I hate my life! its suck!

i sinking. Again, its full of unwanted waters that almost fully covered me till i cant breathe. not only water but also rubbish, empty bottles that make my life more worse. Whats more to say if these things should not be there as not belong to me. I didnt ask for it comes to me, but it did anyway without considering my feeling. Is it really meaningless? regardless i like it or not,i have to accept it. its like what ppl always says,"like a bird without wings, like a man without legs"... can't be where u wanted to be. no matter how eager u are.

I am loser. speaking not my strength. what to say asking. Dare or Not, i rather choose SILENT. I reli dont understand..y need so rush? doesnt ppl say, "careful is good deed"?..i takes time b'coz i wanted to make sure everythg is correct. not wrongly written. Can't compare to what i done before. not logic. they don have patience to wait not my problem. I did before but that person willing to wait. different people behaved differently. if he can wait, why not them..? this small matter need be taken big case? think being "laugh" over having so "slow' and "useless" machine to operate fully.

not my willing to utter those words. I just actly want to say is, the choice of the course not what i like. hw cm u expect i will like it although i goin through it 3 years and get a degree for that? its all what u all says. the course not good to study, no work for you. but u decide it all. study what, where, when. I know im paid for these studies. not to say, im being forced to take up that course.

i don wan this life. my theses un-finish. who can tanggung for that? although grade is taken, but final work still needed. i not yet complete it but due date is running up very high already. eho can help me?

whisper

How I wish God can whisper to me that he's the one right for me..then i no need to think much about my fate in later on life.

If God whispered, then I no need gotta out finding, searching for soul-mate or even worried couldn't find one that suit my taste..and i don't have to worried if the man is catching up with others this moment as if God whisper he's the one then he finally will return to me.

but this sound not good as the man probably had "exchange" hands with other so many times before fall into my hand..at the end. Maybe thats not the way i want from God but the blessing of the relationship i had this moment,maybe.

I've told that,' I may not the perfect one for you, but I hope U will feel the warmth love I gave which came from the bottom of my heart. If one day, separation is a must, don't feel sad 'coz we had done the best for this and nor you or me shall give up the precious moment we had'.. no one like that situation that makes two lovable birds sets apart from each other.

I want everlasting relationship..the precious of that is the commitment, understanding and tolerance. May God do whisper to me that i am the last for him. Amen.

readiness in marriage

Im not sure how ready a person is before they say, ' I Do'.. towards the wedding proposal from a man..

Most of my friends are now married and some got children too. To me, these things come so fast. Do they ever think what marriage really brings into life? The importance of it is commitment. I'm not sure how committed they were which i foresee that some weren't that keen into marriage. I'm not saying it is by force but its sort of like that--viewed from other perspective.. as one grew older, its time for family to arrange the wedding. ..either the groom could be the one you love or recommended by third party which an old saying,"you may not love the person well before that but love can be generated after marriage thru the bond that tied them together".. that's y I got to see some of their husband is older age or the feelings of they were not so known well over the period.

If the case of age that makes them into marriage, its no one can say anything. neither me to disagree over the issue.

some people act strange

30th July 2010

Suddenly thought on this after yest post.. Yah.. hardship sometime maybe make people to change either it was for good or being forced into..but the end, they do change the way they used to be. Its not so likely people are willing to change the comfort ways they had but due certain problem, issue..changes should be made.

The close-up for the post is related to one person. A ex-classmates during F6. not so close ones but as she's the class monitor's helper, sometime we do need get into together. My personal interaction with her can be defined as so-so relationship in which im not so keen to talk to her, not because the race issue but the way she doing things, the way she make other people feels.. To me, it is uncomfortable. I'm not bias-ing here..I'm making clear of it. Maybe there's one problem I encountered with her..

I've been accused of "playing trick" during exam with "putting the answer sheet inside pencil case".. this is worse experience. i would never forget. I can't believe how such person can accuse me without any concrete evidence? i show the paper she mentioned and it was just a sticker--as replacement of liquid paper. I don't know how short-minded of her she had in mind ever see such things. plus, im not that kind of person need to do so.. everyone in the class knows that.. strange thing is she doesn't. Imagine. So unfair treatment i receive. even i got alibi when incident happen--fren sat next to me which she pick up the sticker for me. This is ridiculous. Her far third eye saw its not that paper..though just sat few tables in front of me. Better check the eyes or wear some glasses.

I'm not happy over the situation. A fren comfort me telling me to just ignore her accused. Its no need to be fuss about things u don't do. But i couldn't just sat there and assumed i commit the offense. but i didn't make any further explanation. i don't want things to be turn more black. myfren help me transfer the words to her and throw back the stone for me. Thanks! that were nice..at least got someone not very agree over things she done (accusing me).

i think its sort of revenge returned when recently i add her in FB but yet just as mere ex-classmates relationship though im stil keeping the angry piece in my heart over her. i thot she were married..but the first shout-out i see is how angry she was over man who had many flowers in one time. I felt strange as the last day of schooling period, she told everyone in the class that she's gonna be married after that with her bf. This is weird news, isn't it? To me, its sounds pity--devil mode--as how bad she treated on others, finally she get that in return.

I know, i know.. i should be more open in this case but its hard to clear the incident from mind which i felt real bad mood that day.

sometime people still the same

29th July 2010

i come across of the situation after i been requested by a long time fren via FB..with new names..that's make me couldn't recognize at first..but with profile pic of her's,i know that's her.

a bit intro about her as much as i know.. i known her since primary school but she change schl after year 6 which not same with me. her background is a Chinese father with iban mother. siblings sort of two bro, she's the eldest. lives quite near with mine just a mile away. then, last time i saw her is when i taking my F6 at that school. that time, she were with a male teacher (who teach at the schl) and stay at rented house just few doors after mine. Thats surprised me actually after i knew it. well, from the news i got from fren (mostly who known her since she schooling there), she ended her schl around F5 and be with the male teacher *stay*.. Rumors says,"she's pregnant"! Well, what can the outsiders says..

Now, finally, in her profile, I can see she's had embrace Islam as she married with the male teacher just now and granted with two girls. It was a good news as after all, she still get what she want and her life is great with fully devoted to her new religion and not forgetting her root (keep in touch with family, still).. Im happy for her, actually though im not getting close too much with her during time at primary school but the memory greatly exist as there no much Chinese in the class that time.

May her wishes be blessed (to have a son on Dragon Year)..hehe.. and happily ever after with sweet family.

when u feel the dark cloud up ur head..think..

27/02/10

De darkest day of the year. its not the weather..not the scene.. De situation that u feel its darken Ur day, make De day turn dark for everything. When reality is the bad things that u don't want to really hear, but its de real world with reality. things that u can't change it or exchange with other things that similar.. The worst part had came. There's still room for improvement if everyone bring out the heart though hw much u unwilling treating that certain person.

As family,i really no idea what kind of family i ever wanted but as I were given a parents and siblings, i am grateful with the gift which better than orphan that might dunno whose their parents were or even been neglected ones that never ever felt the love of a family. I'm not in doubt whether my presence in the family is as worth as it should be, but the feeling of belongingness is there.. in this family. Not single person is unavailable in the family can worked out, cant survived.

Never felt the haet of argument ever though it seems to be discussion. but they not heartily be there as the feelings of having the father is not as that much anymore. they felt, if that worse decision is the best decision they can make, they just wish to accept it. not even feelings to keep the family back to its right track. I do. but i don't know how as with this kind attitude of mine, i cant create any magic. though the heart is so much want to do something. Tigress is like that? or Taurus like that? Or myself become like that as the environment change? behavior, attitude is hardest things to change. if u fall to be that kind of person at the day u're born, u ought to be like that for the rest of ur life. Not everyone really can change coz of something, someone.

Actually, the problem is there from beginning.. from de day I've realized it till today.i know its happen. i know.. but i don take action for i also believed things won't change better for the subject didn't trying to change their behavior. It could be one of myfault too. as family, there is two-way sacrifice to be made. but i chose to-be the one left out from the list. I din help as I like to stay in between. either do or do it partially or din do anything at all. Worst to-be the worse is the reality of the decision. What am i expect to hear of? I don want to hear that worst reality as things been discussed over the years and things keep repeating for there must be something that hold everyone to. That's the blood ties that stream down the blood vines. Its the family!

but not to everyone that's important. maybe my responsibility as daughter not be measured by the contribution that i make to the family. I admitted that i never be the good daughter or siblings even the sister of God. i din do as much as i should do it for better life. I just didn't and its not very heart only the "mover" is missing. The pusher of everything that should be worked out is missing. I don know when i can find that "push" but the sense told me that maybe things will be too late after that. Change always the biggest constraints when change is hard stuff and slow that can make things change.

I realized that my treating towards mum and dad is differ. It seems to be I argued with mum a lot but the least is that i able to express my unhappy to her. but things differ when i treat dad. To me, he is someone to be respected. De dad that give me family. I do things that i think can help da. I don expect for return in everything's i do for i believe i am truly heart did that..to my family even though i might dislike some of de siblings. But the point is that,we are family. saling berkaitan de relationship. its not the ship wont sank if the head of family is gone. we all shipping under same ship. if u make mistake is controlling the gear, all sank and died.

I know i didn't think things far beyond the expectations. Things that i din really think off might happen. the health worsen. the relationship turns bad. the ties broken. When one things happen, what could you think off will come along too. Everything that i know just the surface. I din really ask, care of, think "what if" question. I don't know anything at all even seems to-be know everything. Surface things also being notified type by others. I don really going to take care of them. I admit that for I really din make it. Im not good daughter, that i admit it to be true as I din practiced the lessons being good daughter.

things turn sour not past one day or one problem. When things is repeated be happened, its the biggest problem ever when u out of ideas how to solve the bad. The worst of worst when one of the siblings rather choose love than family. but the love sacrification is too huge..when the religion is totally opposite to ur belief from young. Do environment really can change someone? but do they really knows that the decision may affect the whole family? Do they really can give up everything that related with family and run-away with the man? How dare they think things is that simple? as what sis said, when the law is static, cant be change..the only solution is change the people. But how much that person want to change if love is gretaer above all? In the eyes , couldn't exist family anymore. thats de worse things to think though u planned not to.

i want this family. no matter how bad i felt about other siblings, no matter hw i hurtful with their action for ignoring my advices, im still want this family as they were a part of me. If no single of them, im not anyone to be alive for i lost the ties.

It should be the time that change us but I couldn't be grown up wth the age. when u feels the things is right to yourself, u just continued the life. i never plan to change for better. the rest of the days never be the same again.