wasted my tears for nothing

Though cried so loud,so much tears wasted today, problem still there. work stil need to do. stil stressful, frustrated. i don have the energy to defend. to say no. i hav to do it at last. but why must blame on me when the email cant get thru? or why forget to do so? if i have many thgs to do in hand(all yr command) is that i cant forget even? even with full job task i also not manage to get it done all. what u expect? keep say "u do things slow2,when to finish? time is running out and u still not yet send out the email to let them prepare the presentation,i don understand why u waste time?" i aldy make clear that im not expert in everythg u expect me to do. evn im just beginner in everythg that i blve my capability. the most weakness is time management. evn got stressful matter also i dont know hw to handle. especially when u keep pushing. keep mumbling. if u trust others, i don think they will mot help u.

sh*t on you..

push..pusher.. hated it very much. especially when ppl think u shall able doing it. u think am expertise on this? pissed off. im not yr dream child, don treat me as i am know everything hw to do. i knw runs out of time but u shall give lease time to rest,though u may feel ok wth it. but am not u~ not as u though as strong. i will die if u keep so pushy. i may accidentally uttered bullshit to yr face. am controlling it this moment bcz u are sm1 "powerful" than every1. but i may hit u with bullshit words if am at yr bac. u may know it but this is truth. hw u treat ppl,ppl will treat u back. so don blame if one day i really say so. u may regret for treating me such at first.

am stupid not as u may wished for, so pls don wish i can change to be person u want, u wish. ur wish may not come true. im not yr bull to carry on their nose. only i don have the chance now so u can treat me this way. i hate you for being pushy. to me or to others which don wan to be yr boneka. if we don follow,u will angry. u will small hearted. so how? u think we are yr play-er? shit!!!! i hate my current life. pls take me out b4 i turn crazy.

credit to mom

i know i always troubled mum to send me to office although she have lots school works to finish in the morning, the only time she had b4 class session starts. she always v tired at nite. i know its my fault. bt i want to escape from car pool erly morning wth him. he will say many words in car. not good words, but stern warning, demand task b complete. i don wan listen to such before real office time. which cn mk my rest of the day worse,no mood. i hate it.

i knw distance is far, smtm trapped in jams,she will mumbling when smtm i need go to banks/othr plcs b4 work.. but still mum will sent me thr. credit,right?

i shld b able drive my own to work. but im not expert yt. so always been scold by him,"got license x knw hw to drive. want move arnd pun ssh."..simply means im troublesome. i know the fact, but not rejecting the facts.. but wat u want me to do? huh..

my dream job

141111

coming to half month of November already,suddenly time flies very fast.. from the day i took up master studies in 2009 now aldy past 2 years. Duh.. Cant imagine,rite? yup. its real. but still don have any job. doing work at here like working at hell with "king of hell". not even will be listed in my job preference or even part time job. Worst!

so recently, i had apply few jobs.. mostly in hotelier industry. to cuba nasib. although seems far but stil near as got sis there. at least can jaga me. from the day i completed my STPM, a always think of entering industry like hotelier, FAB, restaurant industry.. industries that provide hospitality. even got thinking to study on that field. but under arrangement, give me this HR. not say lousy but ppl say HR cannot find "food" at local. many of my frens now not doing basic HR things.

so as i step out from uni with degree holder, want to find work but again being stopped to pursue master. says that with master u can find better jobs. but the bad is i have no choice to taken up same studies--HR. huh.. my dream job fade again. And now,what.. finish master, so eager to search for my dream job then route is being broken down by some people, working at a factory with HR post.

does no one really know that i don want be an HR? u got the knowledge but not the skill,practicable knowledge.. how u think u are manage to control and handle ppl from different background? even not willing but stil have to come work everyday. got salary of RM1,800 although i aldy upgraded to master levels. Im not care abt the salary but rather my performance. im not good time management. am not good control ppl. so everytm i wished don hire so many ppl,keep lesser. then my work will lighter.

here no other exec levels employees. just me alone. this is not healthy work environment. i want to work in a situation that i had a supervisor above me, got my colleague to help each other, and keep our rltnshp close with each other. then i can hang out with them for lunch.. can put on make-up, wear office wear either formal or informal. but at here, i just like others. no need wear so nicely as u work in a factory. sometimes u need "play" with "dirty". if u suddenly wear such dream wear, ppl will think u are crazy.

opportunity came for my dream job. hoping to apply for locals resort although plan is not working in the state/city. i hope menjadi this time because keep pushed to take up PhD pula this time. keep asking to enroll in coming intake, prepare proposals related with "his" target on SCORE. huh.. not my intention to be so disobey, but if study can fulfill my needs, i will not face so much difficulties in completing the studies from very beginning. every parents should know their children ability in studies, where im not always the high achiever. never from primary til now. i never succeed to over my own target. how come they don realized it?

i really disappointed. what so good of PhD? just want me involved with the field as he is?

shout out " i don't want. my dream is with hotelier industry. Don't stop me, pls? give me some space to try out jobs first. why keep blocking my way to success? you think i only can success at yr place? u think i will argue with ppl at the work? "

i know my behavior nt good but i don think will be the same at different environment later on. at least no need working with family is my biggest hope. bcz there always wil have "bring home work" or "extended business matter/issue" which i don want to hear/handle after work. i don think this will happen if i reli worked later which i think the worst is need OT. but its better coz im willing do so as part of my resp. not being forced to understand the fact of the factory operating cost.

Dream job,

pls wait for me. Im willing to sacrifice for you. Pls give me a chance to perform, to give my service to u.

hate these words

21102011
WTF lah..

U,ah.. as HRD cannot control people.. you think i open company want to rugi money ka..? u thot am a bank,ka..easily take money and waste money to pay workers every month without work progress ones.. u already 25 yrs old cannot think ah.. tomoro grads lo.. u think still work like wasting money nia can show u alrdy grown up as master u hold ka.. huh.. pressure. "i don want say a words on you again. u don want to change, whats yr problem hah?" bt then stil do the talking..blah..blah.. cheh.. tot so great can hold the mouth to scold ppl when things not right. the bad is when thgs not correct and not derived from me also kena marah ones. never paise other good or at least any jobs finished. inikah job development yg btl? inikah justice? even single says"ok,good,keep up" pun takda, mana ad worker willing stay long with u..though am not fully as.

am i bad?

i feel i do aftr i didnt let my boss know that day got "special draw'(for those got play numbers bet). well,my intention is prevent myboss buying more numbers. but then luckily,i believe myboss realised "this should be that,must be something". aftr that sempat buying lo. at nite time,upon checkg, myboss number out. included in 1-3 seat above. then i can get my salary..though i tot no more. but bcz last9 winning,myboss give anthr strike,buying more.. haih.. sien..

I hate my life! its suck!

i sinking. Again, its full of unwanted waters that almost fully covered me till i cant breathe. not only water but also rubbish, empty bottles that make my life more worse. Whats more to say if these things should not be there as not belong to me. I didnt ask for it comes to me, but it did anyway without considering my feeling. Is it really meaningless? regardless i like it or not,i have to accept it. its like what ppl always says,"like a bird without wings, like a man without legs"... can't be where u wanted to be. no matter how eager u are.

I am loser. speaking not my strength. what to say asking. Dare or Not, i rather choose SILENT. I reli dont understand..y need so rush? doesnt ppl say, "careful is good deed"?..i takes time b'coz i wanted to make sure everythg is correct. not wrongly written. Can't compare to what i done before. not logic. they don have patience to wait not my problem. I did before but that person willing to wait. different people behaved differently. if he can wait, why not them..? this small matter need be taken big case? think being "laugh" over having so "slow' and "useless" machine to operate fully.

not my willing to utter those words. I just actly want to say is, the choice of the course not what i like. hw cm u expect i will like it although i goin through it 3 years and get a degree for that? its all what u all says. the course not good to study, no work for you. but u decide it all. study what, where, when. I know im paid for these studies. not to say, im being forced to take up that course.

i don wan this life. my theses un-finish. who can tanggung for that? although grade is taken, but final work still needed. i not yet complete it but due date is running up very high already. eho can help me?